AHealthierFran

So I set up a little reminder thingie on my palm pilot to remind to weigh-in on Sundays. Well I forgot all about it until I turned it on and noticed that I had an alarm that I “missed” so I checked on it and it said to “weigh-in”. Well, I was feeling really reluctant and not really wanting to do it. I was almost going to skip doing it - especially since I had the overwhelming feeling of “what’s the point, I probably didn’t lose anything.” I decided that I would make myself do it because I just needed to suck it up, and then I could look over my journal to see what I haven’t been doing or what I need to change, etc. Anyhoo, I got my lazy butt off the couch and got on the scale. Well I damn near jumped off the scale and wanted to start running around the house jumping for joy! Unfortunately my husband was napping at the time, and I didn’t want to wake him. But anyways, on with the news!! I’ve lost 10 lbs this week!
I know that’s a huge number to lose in one week, but I guess the changes I’ve been making have been paying off!! I’ve been eating more veggies and fruits, cooking with Pam instead of with butter or oil, and I’ve been trying to cut out sodas and sweets (which has been the hardest), and drink more water or some juices. The hardest urge has been the sweets though…
My husband asked me to make him some brownies earlier in the week. I decided to treat myself to one, and felt ok about it. But then the urges started…You know, those urges of “you want another one. It won’t hurt. Just one more brownie.” Well, once I started getting those, I asked my husband to take the brownies with him to work, and to keep them there. lol. So he understood, and was more than willing to have all the brownies to himself. lol!
This week I’m going to Tennessee for a month and my friend that I’m staying with has been trying to be healthier as well. So thankfully, we’ll be able to motivate each other and exercise together, and just be there to remind each other that we’re stronger than we think we are. I’m so excited! I’ve already packed a couple of my workout DVDs (Power 90, Pilates for Dummies, and Tae-bo) and a pair of 5 lb. dumbbells. I’m so excited and happy! This achievement has made me that much more motivated and has reminded me that I really can do this and that I will do this cause I am doing it!! YAY!

Oh yeah, by the way, someone on the makeup forum that I’m a member of brought up checking into BodyForLife.com, so I’m gonna start doing a lot of the exercise routines on the site and stuff. It looks like a pretty good site for exercise info, nutrition info, and even for motivatoin success stories and pictures! So, it may definitely be something someone might want to check into. If nothing else, it could just be a great site to go to to do for exercise tips to do stuff at home if you can’t make it to the gym!

So I’m a member on this makeup forum and I first posted about my determination to change my lifestyle in the forum (yes they talk about stuff other than makeup, lol). I’ve gotten a lot of support and encouragement (nothing compared to when I found this site though, for which I am really, really grateful), and someone brought up that I should look into cognitive behavioral therapy so I can see if there is anything that may be bringing myself down when it comes to losing weight and how I think of food. I’m wondering if anyone here has gone through it and what your opinons are on it. How did it work for you? Was it something you would recommend? I’ve had a rather “interesting” life when it comes to my weight. Like I said in my previous post, my mom tried to put me on a Jenny Craig plan when I was 10 and she’s kinda always been on me about my weight. She has since backed up when I blew up on her a couple of years ago…in fact, when I blew up on her, I think we actually became closer because of it. Anyway (sorry about the rambling), after graduating high school and before going to college, I pretty much starved myself or would only eat one meal a day and I kinda lost weight. When I got to college, one of my friends would tell me how beautiful I was and that if I lost some weight, “the guys would be all over me”. And don’t get me wrong…she didn’t say it in a mean way or anything. When she said it, you could tell the tone in her voice was more of a “I wish I were you” kinda tone. But, needless to say, the weight thing stuck in my head. So I started doing the whole one meal a day thing again, which worked. I lost 20 punds….in the course of 3 weeks. Yeah, I know…not very healthy…at all! So I began eating again. Good meals. Fruits, veggies, lean meats, stayed away from fats for the most part (at least as much as a college student eating cafeteria food can do) but I was putting weight back on again. Then the bulemia started. It didn’t last for very long though cause I realized I’d rather starve myself then throw up. It was with this, though, that I began to feel guilty just for even eating. During this time I met and married my husband. Eventually I learned to just say “whatever” and wouldn’t care, which is when I gained the most weight. I don’t know why I’m feeling the need to tell you all  my life story. I guess maybe this means I should check out the therapy?

My husband’s brought up that I should check out therapy before when I’ve been down on myself. I don’t know why but I’ve always had this “stigma” about therapists. When other people see them, cool. That’s awesome for them cause they’re getting help in stuff that they can’t solve on their own and want some guidance in the right direction. But when I think about me going to therapy….I dunno. It’s like it’s the complete opposite (There I go again with the thinking I have to be stronger than everyone else). I’ve tried reading through Dr. Phil’s “The Ultimate Weight Solution” to think about why I think the way I do. I get to about the 3rd or 4th chapter and quit reading. It’s like I’d rather stay thinking the way I think than get help cause it’s like I’d have to reopen all the wounds that I’ve just finally put away and swept under the carpet. But then again, I guess all I’ve done is just hid the dirt rather than actually clean it up and get it out of the way completely. I’ll look into it. After all, like my husband says, “it’s not like you’d have to pay for the healthcare we’re getting for free?!?” (he’s in the military).

Alright, so I’m finally going to stop being a big chicken and just get this out in the open already. I’ve been struggling with my weight pretty much all my life from my mom telling me to always suck in my stomach and stand up straight, to her taking me to Jenny Craig when I was 10 (actually we were going for my dad and after they finished talking with him about it, she looked at me and asked the lady “Is there a program that you guys have that I can put my daughter on?”…I was 10. 10!!), to battling bulemia in high school/college, to gaining weight (a LOT of weight) after getting married, and I’m fed up with it. I’ve tried everything from the Atkins, to the South Beach, to diet pills like Hydroxycut and Trimspa, to Slim-fast shakes, to practical starvation by eating only one meal a day. Stupid? Yes, I know. Needless to say I’m fed up with myself, my weight, my eating habits, and my lazy ass.

Since this year has started I’ve gone on a diet and off a diet, which I need to realize that I am not “dieting”. What I initially am doing is changing my lifestyle. I’ve been trying to choose healthier foods, eat smaller portions, and cook with less fats. After a couple of weeks or so, however, I’ll have that one brownie, then want another one, and soon enough, I’ve failed myself, because I think I’ve failed because I slipped up. But I’m only human! Shit, I tell people this all the time when they make mistakes! Why the hell should I be any different?!?

I’ve been slacking on the exercise part, but I’m going to to start kicking myself in the ass and get myself to the gym. If I don’t go to the gym, I’m popping in a damn DVD, cause God only knows how many f’in workout DVD’s I have from Tae-bo to Power 90 to Pilates to Yoga. I figure this is how I will keep myself accountable. I’ve always done this alone, for the most part, so if I failed, it was always only me that would be disappointed, and it would always only be me that would have to know that I “failed”. I’ve been debating about staring a blog about this issue cause it’s always been a personal issue with me, but I have come to realize that I need to hold myself accountable somehow, and if telling the world is how I need to hold myself responsible, then that’s what I need to do. I’ve always felt like I’ve needed to set up this great image of “I’m happy with who I am”, “I don’t have a problem” image…which for the most part, I am happy with who I am…as a person. My weight, however, is something that I always let get me down. Sure people have told me that I “carry” my weight well. Hell my dad thought I weighted 150 in high school, when in reality I weighed 200. My husband’s cousin guessed my weight was 235 when I was really 267. But that’s besides the point….

So here’s my announcement to the world…and even to myself as a wake up call. I am not going on a diet! I am not working out “just” to lose weight. I am changing my lifestyle and my eating habits. I am going to work out cause I want to have a healthy body that will last me well into old age, and cause I will be happier as a person. I have had two members of my family who have had gastric-bypasses. I do not want to have to resort to that. I will do this the right way and I will succeed at it. If I slip up, I will realize that I am only human, and it was only that one instance…it is not something that my entire life should be affected by! And I am doing this for me, to make me feel better about myself, to make me feel better, period.

Let’s get started, shall we?

I started this last week on 08/12/2007

Starting weight: 281

Current weight: 277

Goal weight: 160-165

Total Loss of —-120-125 lbs.